THE POSTING HANDBOOK

Most people who begin checking into Lucianne.com on a regular basis won't be able to resist registering to post on the message board. But if you've read some of the tales here you will know your chances of being banned are exceedingly high.

So before you read the rules (on the right) take some friendly advice from those of us who have learned the hard way. Don't engage in chatting with the other drones on the board unless it is on Lucy's weekend Roundtable, where chatting is permitted. If you feel you absolutely have to reply to them, address them by number rather than by name.

Insult them with politeness - phrases like "with the greatest respect" and "my good friend" will keep you in the game but at least you'll know you actually mean the exact opposite!

If you are French, a socialist or - worse! - a fan of disgraced former President Bill Clinton, it probably isn't a good idea to tell your new friends at Lucianne.com - they'll eat you for breakfast! Tony Blair may have funny ears but he's okay because he's buds with Dubya.

Under no circumstances, mock the scribblings of Lucianne's son, Jonah, no matter how silly they appear. That's a banning offence.

Don't post from wacko sites like antiwar.com - that will get you booted too.

Email us here if you need more advice or if you have any amusing stories to tell us about life in the chat-free zone.

If you do get shown the door, don't despair. Believe it or not, Lucianne has a chat site - it's just that she doesn't run it herself. And even French people don't get banned from there! Click the chat link to the right.

Happy posting and remember, "it's a salon, not a saloon..."