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Hershey's Ordered to Pay (Satire)
The Onion, by Staff

Original Article

Posted By:Librarina, 8/2/00 11:43:44 AM

'Let this verdict send a clear message to Big Chocolate,' said
Pennsylvania Attorney General Andrew Garsten, addressing reporters
following the historic ruling. 'If you knowingly sell products that cause
obesity, you will pay.'

The five-state class-action suit accused Hershey's of 'knowingly
and willfully marketing rich, fatty candy bars containing chocolate and
other ingredients of negligible nutritional value.' The company was also
charged with publishing nutritional information only under pressure
from the government, marketing products to children, and artificially
'spiking' their products with such substances as peanuts, crisped rice,
and caramel to increase consumer appeal.

Jurors took less than five hours to reach the decision

following a two-year trial covering nearly one million snackers in Pennsylvania, Florida, New Hampshire, Arizona, and Texas. A majority of the unprecedented punitive damages will go toward obesity victims and their immediate families. The remainder will be funneled into weight-loss and youth-snacking prevention programs.

'This is a vindication for myself and all chocolate victims,' said Beaumont, TX, resident Earl Hoffler, holding a picture of his

wife Emily, who in 1998 succumbed to obesity after nearly 40 years of chocoholism. 'This award cannot bring Emily back, but

I take some comfort knowing that her tragic, unnecessary death did not go unpunished.'

Hoffler's teary-eyed account of his wife's brave battle against chocolate was widely regarded as the emotional high point of

the trial. First introduced to Hershey's chocolate as a young trick-or-treater, Emily quickly developed a four-bar-a-day habit,

turning in adulthood to Hershey's Special Dark, a stronger, unfiltered form of the product. By age 47, she had ballooned to 352

pounds and was a full-blown chocoholic. What little savings the family had was drained by Weight Watchers memberships,

Richard Simmons videotapes, and Fat Trapper pills, all of which proved futile and only prolonged the Tofflers' agonizing ordeal.

Reply 1 - Posted by: Pinfold, 8/2/00 11:48:59 AM

Good morning, Librarina. This thread'll get pulled any minute, so let's continue on another.

Reply 2 - Posted by: Librarina, 8/2/00 11:52:00 AM

"The most lost day of all is the day on which we do not laugh."

-- Nicolas Chamfort

Reply 3 - Posted by: Pinfold, 8/2/00 12:00:48 PM

By the way,

Inquiry to look at 'pig feed' chocolate

Reply 4 - Posted by: Kenneth, 8/2/00 12:04:15 PM

I got a spanking last night for posting this. Apparently unapproved humor is no longer permitted.

Reply 5 - Posted by: nogore2000, 8/2/00 12:07:56 PM

I was in Hershey park yesterday with the kids.Hershey is very deceitful,the factory is close buy and you can smell the sweet aroma of roasting cocoa beans wafting across the park.That smell alone will gain you five pounds before you leave.

Reply 6 - Posted by: GrannyK, 8/2/00 12:08:47 PM

Actually, I hope it's left up, because it shows just exactly how ridiculous the tobacco wars are.

That being said, I abhor all the attorneys who are making billions on this non-issue. Weren't we all told, as children, "Too much chocolate isn't good for you?" I know I was.
Marketing this product toward defenseless children, using cartoon characters to promote it, and selling it freely to the underage darlings should be criminalized.

Reply 7 - Posted by: Pinfold, 8/2/00 12:09:37 PM


Posting with a sense of great urgency....

Reply 8 - Posted by: skisthelimit, 8/2/00 12:10:07 PM

We laugh at this - Just you wait. The chocolate nazis are just around the corner.

Reply 9 - Posted by: APHill, 8/2/00 12:12:20 PM

Whether the Thread Police approve of this levity or not, it might be the best way to make a statement about our times.

Reply 10 - Posted by: Citrus Baron , 8/2/00 12:12:32 PM

I'm not called a Neanderthal for nothing, but for the life of me, this fat boy doesn't understand why this post was closed yesterday. Many humorous and satirical articles from The Onion have appeared in the forum.

Que pasa?

Reply 11 - Posted by: minalou13, 8/2/00 12:15:05 PM

Well first off let me welcome Ms Librarina,back with us.One of my more favorite posters.

Now as for a law suit because chocolate,that is not good.Do you all understand that if this keeps up our favorite tread will get like tobacco and no one can afford chocolate.How awful,the government will control our candy
now.I will have to go out and buy up lots of the wonderful stuff.

Reply 12 - Posted by: sticky, 8/2/00 12:16:09 PM

Yah. And Hershey's spelled backwards is Syehsreh! Evil, justy plain evil.

Reply 13 - Posted by: minalou13, 8/2/00 12:16:48 PM

Oh Pinfold,Godiva,YUM!!Have you tried the Godiva icecream.Boy I feel like I am a real sinner when I eat that stuff.LOL!

Reply 14 - Posted by: Pinfold, 8/2/00 12:19:54 PM

Reply 15 - Posted by: iowahawk, 8/2/00 12:23:45 PM

Hershey, PA - In a move designed to placate the chocolate industry after the recent \$135 billion lawsuit, and to shore up support in the gay community, Vice President Al Gore today dedicated the $5.8 billion Hershey Memorial Highway.

Reply 16 - Posted by: GrannyK, 8/2/00 12:25:10 PM

sticky!! I think you're on to something there. Just like tobacco (spelled backward: 0ccabot!) and Godiva (Avidog)--why oh why didn't we see this sooner...it was no doubt the evil media, who took tobacco's money for advertising, and are NOW doing the same for Chocolate (EtalocohC)!

Reply 17 - Posted by: GEN.RELee, 8/2/00 12:26:12 PM

Librarina and Lucianne.com were sued by Janet Reno's Sasquatch Defense League to-day for causing internet users to keel over in laughter and strike their heads on their monitors....resulting in the dreaded "monitor head stike syndrome" which has endangered millions of children, Sasquatches, communists, lesbians, and back-hoe operators.

Reply 18 - Posted by: Pinfold, 8/2/00 12:30:57 PM

Satanic Verses

Reply 19 - Posted by: LCOmStaff, 8/2/00 12:32:11 PM

Here we come: The problem with posting from this site is that there are people with no sense of humor who take it literally. Its okay to post but it must be slugged at the headline as SATIRE. This we have done for you.

The LCom Cops.

Reply 20 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 12:33:56 PM

How many Onion postings can we make each week?

Reply 21 - Posted by: Pinfold, 8/2/00 12:39:14 PM

Thank you, LComStaff.

Some good news for Igor.

Reply 22 - Posted by: GrannyK, 8/2/00 12:40:11 PM

Most recent CDC figures indicate that children under ten years of age are the fastest rising numbers in the Addiction to Chocolate Syndrome (ACS). ACS sufferers frequently exhibit euphoric behavior after ingesting the substance.

First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton ordered the creation of the ACS Strike Force, an elite cadre of professionals, to sniff out and confiscate products containing the substance "before another generation has to pay the price for greedy corporate exploitation of our youth."

Reply 23 - Posted by: Librarina, 8/2/00 12:42:33 PM

Dear L.com Nannies,

Thank you; that sounds quite reasonable to me. In future I'll remember the 'Satire' slug.

Reply 24 - Posted by: APHill, 8/2/00 12:42:44 PM

LCOM Cops,

Can we then slug headlines from the major news organizations **BULL EXCREMENT**, or some such?

The Onion is often more credible.

Reply 25 - Posted by: X54, 8/2/00 12:43:13 PM

Here's another silly lawsuit:

McDonalds Hot Drink Lawsuit

Reply 26 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 12:43:43 PM

Good one Pinfold.

A poster writes: "The problem with posting from this site is that there are people with no sense of humor who take it all literally."

You got that right!!!

Reply 27 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 12:50:30 PM

Can't quite work out if this one in blue is supposed to be a comedy THREAD.


Reply 28 - Posted by: stickyBooger, 8/2/00 12:58:53 PM

For me, half the fun of this place is reading what others post who don't get it or who don't read the thread and just post either repetitive bs or unrelated non-sense ~ sorta like my deaf Gramma would do when she would inject her comments into a conversation that she was only getting bits and pieces of.

Anyway, thanks for the fun. All of it.

Reply 29 - Posted by: gravitas, 8/2/00 1:00:16 PM

And the humor is?

If the cigarrete companies sued the smokers suing them for being total dumbasses and won. Who would get the lawyer fees?

Reply 30 - Posted by: Kenneth, 8/2/00 1:21:30 PM

LCom cops,
Does that mean my posting last night is removed from my "Permanant Record"? I hope so because I still have those black marks from Jr. High.

Reply 31 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 1:29:36 PM

Ken, your card is MARKED.

Reply 32 - Posted by: Kenneth, 8/2/00 1:39:27 PM

I just hope my friends and family never learn about my dark past.........

Reply 33 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 1:42:38 PM

After you once gave me this MONEY-MAKING TIP your secrecy is assured.

Reply 34 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/2/00 2:00:38 PM

Here we come: The problem with posting from this site is that there are people with no sense of humor who take it literally. Its
okay to post but it must be slugged at the headline as SATIRE. This we have done for you.

Since I was the other poster of this charming satire to be spanked without cause yesterday (poor Kenneth posted it, too, without realising I had done it, but it took me ten minutes to figure out why the man was apologising to me!), I'd like to say this -
Have we not pandered or otherwise compromised quite enough with the humourless among us, that now we must destroy the worth and joy of satire further by violating a cardinal rule thereof, namely: never telegraph your punch? (The whole effectiveness of a satire such as this Hershey lawsuit piece is that it is presented with the utmost sobriety and with no qualifier - insert one and the effect is compromised, if not destroyed.) Must we consecrate their apparent meld of illiteracy (they can surely detect satire, aside from reading the article, by reading the first several posts on the threads) and sourness and pretend that we are "protecting" something or someone? Is that not the very thing, in part, against which we stand when we square off against the PC nannies who wish nothing more than to see every last dollop of humour, proper language, and people having - God help us - a good time outlawed in one or another way, the better to keep those tenderhook sensitivities of the "afflicted" from being "assaulted"? Let them rant their heads off, but let them never impose their own kind of PC upon us, either.

I implore the L.com Staff to think very carefully before proceeding further. We need to give such creatures the upper hand about as badly as Superman needs anabolic steroids. And ought we not to remind the world, if nothing else, that there is medicinal value in approaching the otherwise sorry state of our public affairs by laughing, like Figaro, that we might not weep?

Reply 35 - Posted by: iowahawk, 8/2/00 2:02:57 PM

What he said. BD2 that is.

Reply 36 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 2:06:19 PM

Bluesmeister, that approached poetry. I'm outta here for a couple of hours but can you put that to music please?!

Reply 37 - Posted by: palo verde, 8/2/00 2:09:48 PM

I woke up yesterday morning feeling Lcom posters need a union to deal with Lcom management, and I planned to volunteer to be the grievance committee. (Anyone banned unfairly come to me, and I'll meet Igor in St. Louis to present your case.)
Now I have moved 180 degrees from yesterday morning.
Lcom staff, you are the best.
I love you.
Love, Palo

Reply 38 - Posted by: Librarina, 8/2/00 2:16:58 PM

"Satire should, like a polish'd razor, keen,
Wound with a touch, that's scarcely felt or seen."

-- Lady Mary Wortley Montague

BluesDuke agrees, and so do I.

Reply 39 - Posted by: LComStaff, 8/2/00 2:19:54 PM

We have to be very careful about pandering, BluesDukeII. Panders are an endangered species, and we don't want any trouble with the animal rights groups.

Reply 40 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 2:22:06 PM

I have said I'm going to the pub three times and this time I am going!

Reply 41 - Posted by: Librarina, 8/2/00 2:25:26 PM

Ldot Staff, it seems to me that it's the Ldot Night Nannies who are suffering most from irony-deficiency.

Reply 42 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/2/00 2:28:00 PM

Panders are an endangered species, and we don't want any trouble with the animal rights groups. *suppressing an evil chortle...since when?

Ladies and gentlemen...we bring you...The Pink Pander Strikes Again

Reply 43 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/2/00 2:29:28 PM

*ROFL Librarina*

I'll cure their bloody irony deficiency...this'll flatten them right out...

Reply 44 - Posted by: sticky, 8/2/00 2:37:23 PM

Policia el L.com

...do we have the right to remain silent?

Reply 45 - Posted by: palo verde, 8/2/00 5:25:02 PM

I am giggling at all these posts. Quelle joy! Love, Palo (wonderful graphics too!)

Reply 46 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 5:28:09 PM


Turn 180 back the other way, Sweetheart.

Reply 47 - Posted by: palo verde, 8/2/00 5:49:32 PM

No can do, jj. Igor and I are getting married. I've sold out. You'll just have to be un-witty in future.
(oh jj, I'm just kidding, I am planning to make you assistant grievance chairman. I am the chairman. hennypenny can be the under-assistant. Glitch comes after hennypenny) (hp has not recuperated, it seems, from his stern warning.)
(My whole staff has been blackballed)
smile smile smile smile
Love, Palo

Reply 48 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/2/00 6:04:42 PM

Yep. That's what we need - a new McCarthyism for denouncing the humourous...and are you now or have you ever been a member of the Friar's Club? Let's woof and warp on the terminally witty; let's canonise the witless and sourpuss among us and generally round up the Groucho descended among us, herd them off to the nearest concentration camp (any American university will do just fine) and generally make a people's democratic republic out of their lives - whoops, we've already done that, it's called the Clinton Administration and the Republican Congress (a.k.a. the Gang That Can't Shoot Straight)...

But most of all, the real fun of any McCarthyism, as P.J. O'Rourke said, is writing out the enemies list! Herewith chapter one in Red-Faced Channels: The Untoward Humourous Influence On L Dot Com(munist)...

Dawgsquat (and if you don't think HE'LL be numero uno on any funnyman blacklist, you're dreaming)
palo verde
The Onion
The Republican Party (though there's always the chance that these clowns aren't really kidding around)
palo verde
Herman Munster
Gomez Addams
The Marx Brothers
W.C. Fields
The Three Stooges
The Beatles (and if you don't think they qualify, you sure weren't listening to their press conferences or watching
A Hard Day's Night)
Mad magazine (in its original incarnation, expecially
P.J. O'Rourke
Joe Queenan
H.L. Mencken
Francois Rabelais
Abbott and Costello
Casey Stengel
The 1962 Mets
The Harlem Globetrotters
Spike Jones
Bob Newhart
George Burns
Gracie Allen
...and the writer who came up with the classic retort for Jack Benny to the mugger who barked, "Look, Mac, I said your money or your life": "I'm thinking it over!"

The foregoing are hereby sternly warned, soundly thrashed, and banished for eternity (or at least the next Administration) to the care and feeding of Newtie and the Blowfish - ruh roh, there is such a thing as the Eighth Amendment. Now, I can't maintain this blacklist alone (whoa, wait a minute - isn't black humour enough to get on the terminally severe blacklist?) so let's roll 'em out, folks. Start lining up your candidates for shooting today! Abolish the funnymen (and womenpersons.) Grouchpusses of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your...hmmmm, how can you lose what you probably never had to begin with?

Reply 49 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/2/00 6:06:38 PM

An unforgivable omission from the Funnyman Blacklist...

God (As George Burns said, anyone who can turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt, incinerate Sodom and Gomorrah, and make it rain for forty days and forty nights, has got to be a funny guy...)

Reply 50 - Posted by: iowahawk, 8/2/00 6:15:11 PM

Lest we forget:

Firesign Theatre, Monty Python, SCTV, Tom Lehrer, The Groundlings, Mel Brooks, Peter Cooke & Dudley Moore, NatLampoon 1975-1983, Emo Phillips, Jack Handey, Richard Pryor, Steven Wright.

Reply 51 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 6:19:37 PM

Dukie, if you had used the "marquee" scroll function and popped in a few dancing elephants I would have thought you were a funny version of the late and great LCRW.

Reply 52 - Posted by: Link, 8/2/00 6:20:46 PM

Why is it a bad thing if people are unable to distinguish intentional satire from the other kind, posing as news? Sorts out the sheep from the goats, in my book.

BDII, where is Monty Python in your list. An omission like that leads me to suspect that you may be not altogether sincere in your efforts to eradicate this menace. Who are you trying to protect? I'm watching you, pal!

Reply 53 - Posted by: iowahawk, 8/2/00 6:22:03 PM

Oops! Not to omit

Tex Avery, Bob Clampett, Chuck Jones, Friz Freleng, George Carlin, Billy Wilder, Judy Holliday, SJ Perleman, John Waters.

Reply 54 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/2/00 6:23:48 PM

Right you are, iowahawk! Can't have those subversives overthrowing the free world with their mirth and mayhem, now, can we?

More for the enemies list...

iowahawk (unconscionably, I left you off the charter list)
Mae West
Fred Allen
Peter Sellers and the Goon Squad
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
Allan Sherman
George Carlin
Carl Reiner
The Dick Van Dyke Show
The Mary Tyler Moore Show, before it went pre-PC
All in the Family
The Honeymooners.
Lucille Ball
Grandpa Munster
Mr. Ed (what the hay, we ought to have at least
one horse's ass lacking horse sense in this roll call)
Andy Kaufman
Shelley Berman
Jim Carrey
Lili Palmer
Fibber McGee and Molly

Reply 55 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/2/00 6:24:52 PM

Link, iowahawk had me covered there. And if I were to do dancing elephants, that would only mean another reason for some bat-heads to suspect erroneously that I am of Depublican persuasion...

Reply 56 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/2/00 6:25:49 PM

iowahawk, for shame! You left out the man who made the Looney Tunes lunacy possible in the first place...

Leon Schlesinger

Reply 57 - Posted by: iowahawk, 8/2/00 6:31:58 PM

Tsk! More omissions!

BluesDukeII, Redd Foxx, Steve Martin, Rusty Stevens, Doug Smith & the Hot Nuts, Spinal Tap, Lenny Bruce, TWTWTW, The Beverly Hillbillies, Noel Coward, Rutland Weekend.

Reply 58 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 6:32:05 PM

Reply 59 - Posted by: Pinfold, 8/2/00 6:36:27 PM


Reply 60 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/2/00 6:37:36 PM

Well, jeez Louise, brouwer, I did say that one and all were welcome to help compose the list!! *LOLOL*

But The Beverly Hillbillies? Come on, let's be real, friend - they were about as funny as a box of condoms at a eunuch's motel...

Reply 61 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 6:44:21 PM

I agree with Pinfold. When the dotcom gang were selling FJB badges anonymous's subtle dig received little attention...

He said, "I hope everyone will be pinning the buttons on the inside!"

Reply 62 - Posted by: kiwinews, 8/2/00 6:45:20 PM

BDII, Now that WOULD be funny!

"Brother Bobbit, this chewing gum is just awful!"

Pinfold, you have got that right. Where would we be without our own Tingle tangle Tennyson of Twaddle?

Reply 63 - Posted by: iowahawk, 8/2/00 6:47:41 PM

BD2 - Hate to break it to you, but Leon Schlesinger (a producer, not a director) was one of the bad guys; by all accounts, he was a dour, humorless cost-cutting thug who despised being relegated to the animation lot at WB ("Termite Terrace"), but nevertheless insisted on principle screen credit for works in which he had no input. He insisted that directors use their real names ("Fred Avery") in credits, and even wanted to destroy the animation cels when they were finished with the film. The brilliant animators at WB - Avery, Jones, Clampett - succeeded despite Schlessinger, not because of him.

This is also true of Fred Quimby, the name many associate with MGM animation; the true geniuses there were Bill Hanna, Joe Barbera and the incomparable Tex Avery.

Reply 64 - Posted by: Dawgsquat, 8/2/00 6:49:39 PM

Additions to the list:
Rodney Dangerfield
George Goebells
Jeff Foxworthy

Reply 65 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 6:51:30 PM

Reply 66 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/2/00 6:59:33 PM

hawk, I sit corrected. Away with you, Leon Slothinger! Take your place next to the Clintonista contingent (we all know where their sense of humour mostly went, right? *LOL*)

But how dare you breath Hanna-Barbera in the same sentence with Tex Avery????? That's like breathing the names Jonny Lang and B.B. King in the same paragraph. (Hint - Young man Lang, you're no B.B. King!) Hanna-Barbera were brilliant, but they ain't Tex! And besides, this is my satirical enemies list - I bought it, I paid for it, and it's mine!!! (Hey, if Igor can sling the Reaganisms at will, or at Will, depending, so can I...)

Next likely additions, all things considered...

Brynna77 (and who's the nimrod who really did blackball that sweetheart of a gal???)
Jonathan Winters
Old Phone Man
Old Lady
The late great LCRW

Reply 67 - Posted by: kiwinews, 8/2/00 7:08:20 PM

Ah! I have made list! A list!A list!
I sing, I dance! I go to bed because it's 1 freaking a.m.!

Thank you kindly, Blaueherzog der Zweiter, Gute nacht!

Reply 68 - Posted by: iowahawk, 8/2/00 7:11:36 PM

BD2 - Way, way back before they soiled the TV airwaves with such cheap-ass cartoon dreck as "Scooby Doo" and "Yogi's Laffalympics", Hanna & Barbera were responsible for Tom and Jerry at MGM. To this day T&J remains the zenith of high budget, technicolor feline mutilation humor, and H&B rightly won several Oscars for their efforts.

Happy to report that H&B Studios has atoned for its 1970s-era sins with the two best animation series in current production - Genndy Tartatovsky's "The Power Puff Girls" and "Dexter's Laboratory."

Don't like The Bev Hillbillies? Okay, replace it with Green Acres, the most tripped-out surrealistic TV series of all time.

Reply 69 - Posted by: palo verde, 8/2/00 9:25:45 PM

BluesDuke, I love you.
Link, I love you.
Kiwinews, I love you.
Iowahawk, I love you.
Pinfold and Dawg, I love you.
Love, Palo

Reply 70 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 9:29:53 PM


Reply 71 - Posted by: GrannyK, 8/2/00 9:47:36 PM

Likely addition, Senor BDII? I'm JUST A LIKELY ADDITION? Oh, the shame of it all...
I'll never be able to hold my head up around here again...(*SOB*) (*Heartbroken, sobbing GrannyK picks up worn paperback, "101 Jokes for All Occasions" and tears it up in teeny tiny shreds, muttering*)

Reply 72 - Posted by: palo verde, 8/2/00 10:07:40 PM

I said I love you on the Reagan is a Great President thread, I guess you didn't see it.

jj, just between you and me, hennypenny's reprimand, it's not like you whose only crime was being witty and loving, or glitch who mouthed off to staff-- hennypenny was a teensy bit naughty. Remember the thread about the Jews having their 7 minute dates? You know how hennypenny can insult every group-- so he said that the way Jewish men make love is that it takes them 7 minutes from foreplay to cigarette. There was a poster on, who said the thread was so people would say anti-Jewish things. hennypenny said that's nonsense and he won't be inhibited. But she kept it up, and finally he said 'Shut Up.' I think she didn't like being told 'Shut Up.'

After the reprimand he posted that he was scared to write anything now-- which is why I was hoping you'd post your John Rocker photo. I notice you did.
Love, Palo

Reply 73 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/2/00 10:12:33 PM

The Henmeister will be back bigger and better than ever...just as Rocker will be back fatter and stupider than ever next season.

Reply 74 - Posted by: palo verde, 8/2/00 10:16:01 PM

I'm giggling, Love, Palo

Reply 75 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/3/00 1:11:53 PM

Me too, Palo!

Reply 76 - Posted by: KingKangaroo, 8/3/00 7:22:03 PM

The L.com staff said Brynna777 got bounced because she kept posting giant slabs of propaganda.

I tried to warn her but she was nasty to me so bad luck.

Reply 77 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/3/00 7:26:05 PM

Kanga, careful about bumping stories from the Onion. Many believe it is a real newspaper and apparently we must write...

after each post.

Reply 78 - Posted by: Quintas, 8/3/00 7:34:39 PM

Ditto BluesDuke's comment from yesterday concerning labeling articles as satire. Spoils it.

Reply 79 - Posted by: Sunshine Warrior, 8/3/00 7:37:51 PM

Byrnna77 got banned?
What in the world happened?

Satire is a bit annoying but for those who don't know that BSNN or ONION are parodies I guess we must protect THEM ...

thought you brits and aussies liked being told what/how to think!?

Reply 80 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/3/00 7:40:54 PM

No, Quintas. We are the minority. ie the only people who do not spam the site with a firewall of Hillary Clinton and American Patriot Stories!!!

Click HERE for relevant link to the above!

Reply 81 - Posted by: swampgas, 8/3/00 7:42:29 PM


Be Careful!!! You'll get hit on the head with a bloody bumbershoot....blimey!

Reply 82 - Posted by: KingKangaroo, 8/3/00 7:44:47 PM

I don't care what happened to Brynna77. I tried to warn her about slabbing and she immediately posted back stuff along the lines of I haven't got a gun so I shouldn't be telling people what to deo etc etc etc.

I wasn't "telling her" what to do, just warning her.

So bad luck x 2.

Reply 83 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/3/00 7:44:55 PM

Sunny, ditto my earlier observations about the use of "smiley" gifs!

Reply 84 - Posted by: Sunshine Warrior, 8/3/00 7:56:16 PM

swampgas bumpershoot ? not sure what that is! Is that the *weapon* of choice for the British police, if so sounds so threatening

jj you are making me paranoid! Smileys aren't permitted!??? I actually just reread the rules to see if something is there I didn't know!

Reply 85 - Posted by: Quintas, 8/3/00 7:56:17 PM

Now, THIS is funny stuff straight from the UK

Reply 86 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/3/00 8:27:55 PM

Quintas, don't mention the war...

Reply 87 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/3/00 8:30:13 PM

To this day T&J remains the zenith of high budget, technicolor feline mutilation humor,
and H&B rightly won several Oscars for their efforts.
Aye, just so, but the funniest Tom and Jerry shorts were those by Chuck Jones, who should be named Chairman of the Board of any animated comedy Hall of Fame and then have the title retired in his honour...

ok, we hereby promote


up from the "likely" roll and onto the bona fide Enemies List. We just can't stand to see a grown Granny cry...

KingKangaroo, for your dour and snooty dismissal of one of our favourite gals who was obviously posting from innocence and honest-to-God didn't have a clue as to what gave regarding the matter in question, we hereby pronounce you guilty of unwarranted sourpusshood and sentence you to dinner, dancing, and a hotel reservation with Lorena Bobbit!!

And now, to continue with those whose humour will withstand the detest of time...

Sheldon Leonard (if you don't think he's funny you missed his delightful occasional guest spots on
I Love Lucy (the famous "Handy Dandy Vacuum Cleaner" episode), The Danny Thomas Show, and The Dick Van Dyke Show)
Yogi Berra
Jim Bouton
Jim Brosnan
William F. Buckley, Jr.
Camille Paglia
NBC Saturday Night
(note the locution - I use the original name of the show, to distinguish it from the phlegm-and-bile vat of witless garbage it has been since about the third-and-a-half season or thereabouts)
Lum and Abner
Phil Harris and Alice Faye
Phil Silvers
Duffy's Tavern
Amos 'n' Andy
You Bet Your Life
Fanny Brice
Mel Blanc
Jonathan Winters

Reply 88 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/3/00 8:35:01 PM

Duke, you are one cool dude.

And like you I think Henny is a national treasure whose stunningly original act was probably stolen by Hunter S Thompson.

Reply 89 - Posted by: BluesDukeII, 8/3/00 8:47:20 PM

brouwer - Actually, it was stolen by Jeff Foxworthy. But unlike some people, we who make up these honourable enemies lists don't squeal....(*smirk*)

By the way, I should add two more legendary British comedians to this one...

Morecambe and Wise

Reply 90 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/3/00 8:51:03 PM

Tom Green

Reply 91 - Posted by: Quintas, 8/3/00 8:58:35 PM

jj: I watch the reruns, the marathons, the re-reruns, the decathalons...how I love that show and Cleese, especially.

Reply 92 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/3/00 9:02:15 PM

Quintas, the Americaans launched their own version of it. One character was notable by his absence in the PC version of American Fawlty Towers - BASIL!!!

(Sybil ran the hotel on her own, cos script writers didn't want certain sensitive people getting offended. The show was pulled after only a few episodes. Nuff said).

Reply 93 - Posted by: palo verde, 8/3/00 9:10:47 PM

I think henny is more original than Hunter Thompson, also funnier. I am so glad he came back. Love, Palo

Reply 94 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/3/00 9:18:02 PM

Hunter was never obsessed with bizarre creatures who swing wooden clubs (see #73) but when did the great man return???

Reply 95 - Posted by: palo verde, 8/3/00 9:40:16 PM

He returned this afternoon on the 'why I am not watching the Republican convention' thread. In his first post he gave all his thoughts on politics and then said he won't be here anymore-- because he enjoys offering humor and it's not wanted. Naturally I burst right into tears. I didn't know what to do except stay on the thread. I hadn't planned to offer an opinion on the topic under discussion (which was should we allow our fellow posters to vote 3rd Party if they want to) but I wanted to be on any thread hennypenny was on. So I confided that my husband is voting for Gore. trekkie thought I was so open-minded about that, that he instantly proposed marriage to my twin sister (I don't have a twin sister). hennypenny returned to tell trekkie he loves him like a brother but he's planning to have me move into the room next door to his wife's. After that he followed his stream of consciousness, and all I remember is him offering trekkie his wife and 5 players, but warning trekkie his wife spends 50,000 dollars a month on the telephone, and it's just local calls. trekkie sensibly responded that maybe his wife could use an internet calling card, and said he's not in the market for a wife just at this moment. I don't know what happened after that because I went into bliss that hennypenny is back.
Love, Palo

Reply 96 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/3/00 9:43:57 PM


THAT could almost have been written by Henny S Penny!!! Of course he will be back. I will coax him out anyway by posting numerous John Rocker stories!

Reply 97 - Posted by: palo verde, 8/3/00 9:54:40 PM

I just wish I had not bragged to hennypenny that I am the world's foremost expert on baseball. henny and trekkie and bluesduke know baseball inside out, and all I really know is 'three strikes, you're out.' It's been very hard feigning expertise around 3 genuine experts. But I'm in too deep to come clean now.
Love, Palo

Reply 98 - Posted by: jjbrouwer, 8/3/00 10:03:41 PM

I have to go and get drunk now Palo. But let me leave you with one thought...

The Penny is mightier than the gun.

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